To return to conspiracy theories, our discussion wouldn’t be complete without talking about secret societies and their sinister plot to forge a one-world government.
One of the first historically significant secret societies was the Knights Templar, a Western Christian military order who amassed an enormous fortune and used it to wield political influence in Europe in the later Middle Ages. Around 1307 King Philip IV of France, who owed the Templars money, declared the group enemies of the state and eventually burned them at the stake. Conspiracists claim this wasn’t the end, that the Templars, or what remained of them, absconded to England where they created the first Grand Masonic Lodge, new home to what would become one of history’s most notorious secret societies, the Freemasons.
The Freemasons prided themselves on embodying the ideals of the Enlightenment, claiming to be benevolent do-gooders. Yet history has found them hated and feared time and time again. Autocratic kings and fascistic regimes alike condemn their secrecy and subversive ways; Britons gripe about the corrupt political and judicial influence the group has wielded in collusion with the Royal family; religious groups, especially Catholics and evangelical Christians, routinely indict the Masons as being part of a Satanic conspiracy; secular conspiracists say the Freemasons seek to bring about the New World Order.
They’re even accused of orchestrating the French Revolution. Of course the latter claim is made by catty Frenchmen who still feel awkward about having decapitated whole families in broad daylight.
The Freemasons are often linked together with the Templars, the Jews, and the Illuminati in a worldwide conspiracy. Oh yeah, the Illuminati. Don’t ever forget about them: they watch you while you poop. The secret society of the Illuminated Ones was founded by a mercurial Bavarian named Adam Weishaupt in 1776, an otherwise uneventful year. Not only did this secret society boast the coolest name ever, they sought to abolish the Christian church and overthrow all European monarchies, believing such a purifying sweep to be capable of bringing about happiness for the entire human race. Unfortunately, in 1784 a butt-hurt King Karl Theodor of Bavaria excommunicated both the Freemasons and the Illuminati, cracking down on all secret societies.
If you believe the conspiracies, this wasn’t the end to either group. In fact, they still operate behind the scenes of today’s society, controlling our wars, finances, and toilet paper manufacturing.
In addition to charges of Satanism and promulgation of the New World Order, the aforementioned groups have also been accused of practicing the occult, or black magic. Especially the Jews, so mystifyingly clever with money!
Historical revisionism breaks the seams with these secret societies. For example, if you believe what the conspiracists yell in your ear, there was no other purpose to World War 2 except to enrich the banking cartels, who hedged their bets by funding both sides of the conflict. In fact, throw out everything you know about the dangers of nationalism and ideological extremism: the wars of human history were waged merely to benefit bankers.
Scene—World War 2 reconstruction—whiny, war-torn countries coalesce into a beleaguered League of Nations, which, in 1945, forms the United Nations. Together with the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund, the Trilateral Commission and the Council on Foreign Relations, international regulatory bodies become the backbone of a new generation of conspiracy theories—the consolidation of financial institutions into a one-world government. Add to that the Federal Reserve! Those….b-bastards!
Which then leads us to the Mother Superior of secret societies: the Bilderberg Group. This clandestine cabal of royal leaders, political power brokers, industrial titans, and media magnates meets every 4 years to calibrate the world itinerary—conspiring to orchestrate everything from the war on Iraq to hikes on oil prices to the Trans Texas Corridor. That is, if you believe the conspiracists. But, I mean, members from both the Rockefellar and Rothchild families are perennial attendees. Doesn’t that fact alone prove something insidious is going on? Can I get a witness??
The basic plot behind the New World Order is that a group of elite masterminds is slowly but irrevocably centralizing power by carving the regions of the world into unions: the European Union, another post-WW2 League of Nations creation; the North American Union, consisting of the US, Canada, and Mexico, which is noodling ever closer to finalization; and eventually the Asian and African Unions. The purpose behind these mergers is to break down national borders and make the world’s populations subject to international law. The masterminds behind it all—the Bilderbergs, the Freemasons, the Illuminati, the Rockefellars and Rothchilds, the CEO’s of Taco Bell and Subway—ultimately seek to reduce the Earth’s population to somewhere around 500 million. This will allow them to more effectively control the infrastructure of the planet.
In the meantime, they must keep the masses preoccupied, ignorant and innocuous. So they brainwash and poison us into subservience by spraying our skies with chemtrails, fluoridizing our water and toothpaste, and wilting our minds with pills and advertising.
Now, let’s face it, mind control on the scale of 6 billion is hard work, so to let off steam once a year the elite masterminds convene at the Bohemian Grove to get drunk, worship Satan, and piss on redwoods. They get to squeeze in some R&R while they take over the world.
Conspiracists who champion the the New World Order theory in its many permutations range from Zeitgeist left to right wing conservative televangelists and libertarians, such as Pat Robertson and Alex Jones. Even futurist Ray Kurzweil buys into the idea of a one-world government, albeit in the form of an advanced technocracy.
Notably, many of the New World Order theories are suspicious of and outright hostile to Jews. The anti-Semitic bent, while certainly owing to mankind’s historical legacy of Jewish oppression, may also have something to do with the heavy religious undertones, as the New World Order seems to represent the inception of the Christian apocalypse. Now, many evangelicals are supportive of Jews, as manifested by their obsessive nurturing of Israel, the latter being ground zero for the second coming of Christ, which, incidentally, might well be the oldest and wackiest conspiracy theory of them all.
The idea that a race of aliens—referred to by conspiracy theorists as the Anunnaki—is embedded among the human population is a belief held by author David Icke. He believes mankind is the result of prehistorical interbreeding between these reptilian aliens (also known as the Serpent-Gods) and humans, a babylonian orgy which created powerful and insidious hybrid bloodlines. Out of these bloodlines came the elite royal families of the world, the Illuminati, who have controlled all governments, banking systems and transnational corporations since.
Chosen ones from these bloodlines are culled by the Reptilians and groomed to be in positions of power—they are the Suits (politicians, executives, etc.), puppets essentially. Once they are established, their alien masters deploy them to carry out the master agenda of forging a one world government and enslaving the human race.
Effectively throwing a pie in the face of Ocham’s Razor, Icke points to historical documents such as ancient Summerian texts, which depict serpent worship as the oldest religion. And, ALSO, there is serpent symbolism on the coat of arms for the Knights Templar. This proves mankind’s intimate relationship with extraterrestrials.
The theory gets even more bizarre when Icke starts in on shape-shifters, or human descendants of the hybrid alien bloodline who momentarily shift in form and become visible to the observer as reptilians. There are numerous conspiracists who purport to have video clips of such shape-shifting. Remember, Icke cautions, it’s not a shape-shift from a physical body to another body, it’s a shifting of holograms—the perceptions of the observer have fundamentally changed and they are able to decode the energy field. You see, the hybrids have a vibrational affinity with their reptilian overlords and can be possessed by them.
Well why didn’t you say that in the first place? Here I was thinking that the hybrids didn’t have a vibrational affinity with the Reptilian overlords…This. Changes. Everything.
Like any intrepid explorer in search of the truth, I ended up watching YouTube videos. For several days in a row I burned the midnight oil watching footage alleging to have caught reptilian shape-shifters in the act of transformation. Cue videos, edited by albino gingers in Affliction t-shirts, set to music from System of a Down or Linkin Park, and featuring various CNN reporters, George W. Bush, Barack Obama, Harrison Ford, Jesse Jackson, an aide to John Edwards, Drew Carey, Brad Pitt, Elvis, and of course Henry Kissinger.
What conspiracy theory would be complete without Henry Kissinger and his flapping turkey jowls?
Each of the videos contain some, if not all, of the following characteristics:
-Pupils momentarily appearing to transform into oblong slits.
-Faces suddenly impressed with scaly patterns.
-Over-active, fork-shaped tongues and jagged teeth; odd, sinister smiles.
I reached a few conclusions. One) YouTube should not be embraced as a step in the scientific method. Two) some people have really creepy eyes. Three) poor video compression results in scale-like pixelation.
Four) some people are weird-looking, to the point of looking lizard-like.
And five) Brad Pitt is infinitely more desirable to women than I am.